It's official, Gwyneth Paltrow's multi-million dollar lifestyle brand is receiving its very own Netflix series. While Goop and its more "unconventional teachings" certainly aren't for everyone, you've got to hand it to them, they know how to keep us talking.
Sure, steaming your vagina and drinking $60 smoothies sounds all good and well, in theory, but how exactly will some of these pseudoscientific ideologies translate to the small screen? Remember that time Paltrow admitted she'd tried Apitherapy — a treatment that involves getting stung by bees, on purpose — will we be streaming this?
While Netflix is giving very little (see: nothing) away following last week's official launch announcement, expect to see at least a handful of the following:
1. Glorious, Glorious Homewares
If there's one thing we know for sure, it's that Goop's successful retail pop-ups are home to some stunning pieces actually worth procuring, if you can afford it. We'd like to see a little more road-testing. What works and why is it worth the investment.
2. Beet Dip and Sushi
Parents, apparently it's time to ditch the sandwiches and up your lunchbox game. In an article, Paltrow pens her tips and tricks for whipping up appropriate kids' meals and savvy lunchbox solutions. To everyone who actually has time to hand-roll maki before the school run, we applaud you.
3. "Conscious Uncoupling"
When Paltrow and now ex-husband, Coldplay frontman Chris Martin, announced they were splitting up, the now iconic phrase "conscious uncoupling" hit the mainstream. What mere mortals might call "divorce," was given the full Goop treatment. After penning an op-ed about their unconventional end via her blog, we wouldn't be surprised to see Martin guest star.
4. Sex Bark and Plenty Of It
Try as you might, but you won't find this goodness on any ol' regular tree. According to Goop, Sex Bark calls for three heaped teaspoons of Sex Dust,"an aphrodisiac warming potion promoting enjoyable sex and fertility for both men and women.” After much deliberation, turns out Sex Bark is pretty much a calorific brownie with sexy dust particles sprinkled throughout.
5. A Star-Studded Guest List
Paltrow has a lot of famous friends, so it's safe to assume they'll be involved, in some capacity. Remember that time John Legend taught Paltrow how to make his famous fried chicken? Or celeb trainer, Tracey Anderson, showed us how to crunch our way to tighter, tauter abs? Expect more of that.
6. Celery Juice
The little stem that could is having a moment, and the Goopiest among us are all over it. No longer a mere garnish in your mid-morning Bloody Mary, according to "The Medical Medium" Anthony William, celery boasts some of the most "potent healing properties" promising to restore gut health, clear skin, and flush out viruses, among other things. Paltrow was quick to voice her support for the "movement" and its growing momentum on social media. If it's not celery getting a whole lot of kudos on Goop TV, we don't doubt another leafy green will step up to the plate.
7. More Gilded Sex Toys
Ahem, remember that time Goop rounded up their picks of "not-so-basic" sex toys? Well, this coveted list of goodies included a 24-carat gold dildo with a $15,000 asking price. Paltrow also touted a $189 pleasure set, complete with handcuffs and a blindfold. And last but certainly not least, don't forget the essential leather whip, yours for a cool $535. Please don't blame us if you're broke come V-day.
8. More Vaginal Steaming
Don't knock it 'til you've tried it, ladies. Also, maybe don't try it. In 2015, Paltrow and co. made headlines after the wellness website began touting the many, many health benefits of the casual V-steam. “You sit on what is essentially a mini-throne,” Paltrow writes, “and a combination of infrared and Mugwort steam cleanses your uterus, et al. It is an energetic release — not just a steam douche — that balances female hormone levels. If you’re in LA, you have to do it.”
9. A Comprehensive Guide To Making Your Bed
This actually happened. Do we really need to Goopify the most mundane of daily chores?
10. DIY Coffee Enemas
This also happened. In an article highlighting all essential detox must-haves, a DIY coffee enema kit received Goop's coveted tick of approval. While this one is only recommended for those who "know what they're doing", this potentially dangerous at-home cleanse kit insists that what goes up, must come down.